Dear young me

Wanting someone in your life isn’t worth it. You want someone to love you so bad and it’s going to eat your soul inside out. You’re going to self destruct and cry yourself to sleep for decades and wish someone would come into your life. There will be so many who lie to you and pretend they will stay and they won’t. There will be people who want little pieces of you and you’ll allow them in, but I promise you it’s not worth it. Solitude is better. Working on yourself is better. Loving from afar is better. You will be promised all these things that weren’t true. All you want is a fairy tale and it will be a nightmare instead. It will be a trick. All you want little girl is to be loved and no one will ever be enough. No one will be what you want. I promise you that it will hurt more to be with those people than being alone. You won’t have to deal with liars, drunks and abusers. I promise you that you will find love and strength in yourself. I promise that the only person you will need is you. You deserve love but the way you want to be loved is very rare and I don’t know anyone can give you that love besides you. No one has proven it.

You will face the loneliest times in your life and it will be one of the hardest things you face. But I promise you it’s not forever. You will find friendship in yourself, in your friends, in your dogs and in volunteering. Stick to those things and I promise you will be the happiest you ever will be. Be open about your sexuality and anyone that you like deserves a chance. Don’t let anyone frame you into a label, because that’s not who you are. Your wings were never meant to be pinned, you always belonged free like that butterfly that would fly in the back yard, that free. Compromise for no one. Always give it your all and follow your heart. Your heart and conviction is the best thing about you. Your strong and kind, sometimes wolves will see that and try and hurt you. I promise you if you don’t show them your heart that a Shepard will come and take care of you. I just don’t thing you’ve met that Shepard yet. Maybe you evolve into the Shepard and that’s all you ever really needed.

When Kay told you that she saw how badly you wanted to be loved, take that and understand you’re sweet like sugar and that’s the hardest sweetness to duplicate. Everyone around you wants honey and that isn’t what you like or want. People see you and will judge you, they will not understand you or what you are meant to be. They will pretend to understand or really only understand partly. You deserve full understanding. You deserve a deep understanding. You don’t deserve to have anyone make you cry in bed, you don’t deserve that. You deserve the whole universe and galaxy and someone asking how much do you need and want.

See here’s the thing Alex …… you spend all this time writing what you are looking for but you never wrote down what you need. You never wrote down what is love to you. You spend so much time looking for the right person and you forget that person has to also listen to you and communicate with you, and be agreeable. Not on everything but make you feel like you’re not always wrong. They have to do kind things like clean the whole house, cook you your favorite food or plan fun dates. They have to listen to your boundaries and be a good partner.

I had a lot of flash backs today about my life. I flashed back to so many points where my mother hurt me and I work up with anxiety and stress. I wished more than anything in that moment I had a mother. I wish my grandma was still present because she was the closest thing I had to a mother.

I suffer the most in the whole ordeal because I was the one being hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. I remember wishing I would get sick that I’d be in the hospital and maybe I’d rest for one night without crying myself to sleep. I remember wanting all the ladies at church to allow me to come to their home because I wanted to be in a real home. I remember wanting to be adopted so bad by someone who cared.

I spent such a great deal alone that it drove me mad. I remember fantasizing friendships and family members and relationships because in my head those were real and no one couple take it away. I remember I would zone out and disassociate so bad to the point the hours would go by. All I had was myself that’s who I could trust.

Today was a very hard day for me. And it was filled with flashbacks and anxiety. It made me wonder why I enjoy cooking so much.

I want to run away to Paris and live my life in a small apartment. That’s what I miss, a small space. I want so badly to be on and today I feel like shit.

After talking with Guillermo and I said some things and I wanted to cry. I feel like no matter what I do it’s not enough. I feel overwhelmed.

My life with my girlfriend is just weighing on me. I feel like all she does it get mad at me. After all the hurt she called me she still gets mad at me.

I have worked so hard to be a manger and it’s not enough. I tried so hard and it’s not enough. I feel so far away. It’s just blow after blow and I just want to jump out of my body and run away. I need to be by myself and it’s just been a hard ass day. When there is so much going on I want to crawl out of my skin and run away.

Having my grandma here has caused me so much anxiety and I want to cry. I just feel like nothing I do is enough.